Developing a love of breastfeeding despite D-MER

Aug 6, 2024

3 min read

I remember my best friend telling me her toes used to curl when her kiddo latched. I thought ‘Hell no! That sounds scary!’. But I was adamant to give breastfeeding a really good go, and I was on a personal mission to succeed and persevere. When I began breastfeeding, like many mothers, it was painful to say the least.

As weeks went by I was still sobbing during feeds and wincing at the pain, even with nipple shields. Over time I realised that it wasn’t always the uncomfortable initial latching that had me crying, it was deeper than that and more emotional than simply the pain. A friend eventually suggested I look up D-MER - isn’t motherhood and community amazing? You think you’ve read and learnt everything and then bam! Something new again, and during those early days as a new mum you literally learn something new every day! Anyway, I looked it up - Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER).

D-MER basically described what I was feeling down to a T, yet I couldn’t relate with anyone around me as I had never heard anybody speak of it. I found a couple of Facebook groups but honestly couldn’t keep up with messages alongside a newborn but I read bits from the sidelines and soon realised that I wasn’t the only one and I wasn’t abnormal to go through these feelings!

More often than not nursing came with a huge wave of anxiety, feelings of overwhelm and sometimes just sadness when my milk let down. Sometimes it would last a while, especially when I was exhausted, and sometimes it would disappear within minutes. I think I must've been around 6 months postpartum when it dissipated and started happening less often. Each month I’d say “I can’t do this anymore, I’m going to stop”. But because I went back to work so early on I felt that the morning and evening feeds still gave me the quality time I yearned for with Grayson. So, I managed a year, supplementing with formula for 2/3 feeds during the day. A year of devotion, endurance and commitment to my little cherub and I am so incredibly proud of myself to this day.

After falling pregnant with my second child, I never considered that I’d experience the severe lows of this condition again with my youngest. But I unfortunately did. Some people have asked why I torture myself continuing to breastfeed for a second time when I’ve been struggling with D-MER again. I always struggle to articulate why I continue but I can now reflect on the past… wait for it… 2 years, and I feel incredibly proud that I accomplished what I set out to do. The D-MER has settled down and I’m so happy I persevered.

This is not to say the lows and early days of breastfeeding weren’t hugely affected by my D-MER, however this time around I went into it a little more equipped.

Although there are no cures for this condition there are coping mechanisms. For example chugging water during a feed, especially during that initial latch and let down period. Distraction is a God send and yes this sometimes means a deep scroll on social media, some good trash TV or a comforting book. It was still so difficult but I got through it knowing that it would pass. I’d certainly say I was able to identify the triggers with my DMER the second time around too. Exhaustion (although not easy to avoid in motherhood), dehydration, present low mood, worry about something that day, stressful environments when feeding all affect the extent of D-MER. Sometimes it wasn’t easy to identify the trigger for D-MER but knowing what could prompt an on-set meant I could sometimes try to avoid the D-MER to some extent.

If you suffer with D-MER or have no prior knowledge or D-MER but aer concerned that you may be suffering with it please do reach out. It feels so much more manageable once you’ve spoken to others who understand or want to understand. As soon as I asked for support I knew I wasn’t alone, and whilst still frustrated I felt heard and less crazy for feeling how I did.

For more information or support regarding Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER) please follow this link https://d-mer.org and don’t forget to join any Facebook support groups to feel a sense of community and solidarity if suffering with D-MER.